March 3, 2021

 Hey everyone,

I've had a really negative thought recently. Not of the gruesome sort, just of the depressing kind. I know that it's just my OCD lying to me, making me doubt and question everything in my life, but there is one question that's been going around in my head for some time.

I always wonder, as someone with contamination OCD, whether I will ever get married and have kids. The thought of living with another person, sharing a bed and everything, is a lot for me to accept. I would either have to completely come clean (no pun intended!) to my significant other or hide it completely. 

I'm not against communication. I'm so for it. But the only reason I would consider hiding it, well at least trying to, is because I don't think it's fair to transfer my obsessions and compulsions onto other people. I don't want those closest to me to be uncomfortable around me or to act like they have to walk on egg shells because they are afraid of triggering me. 

I had that happen in my last relationship and I really regret it. He was great, but he gave into my compulsions which ultimately made them worse. I can't blame him for trying, but it changed the dynamic of our relationship and it wasn't what we fell in love with by the time we were through.

The other thing is children. I have no idea how I would change diapers or potty train, especially in public!!! I am getting anxious just thinking about it.

Alright, bye now.

Odessa.